how do I feel?

Overwhelmed. Tired. Foolish. Mad. Scared. Lonely.

Frustrated. Empty. Loss. Trapped. Naive. Nothing.

We failed once. So we tried. Then we failed. Then we tried, then we failed. Then we tried, & tried, & tried, & tried. & We're still failing. So much so that I feel so numb. I don't know what to feel anymore, or if I could ever do so again.

la la loveeeee.

Damn, everything is so bittersweet lately. Things are getting better, way better. A little sad I can't do V.ENT for awhile, but that's not gonna stop be from dancing, when I can.

Things are looking up, cos I'm letting it. Taking a step back is helping, a lot. Maybe soon I just won't give a shit anymore.

I honestly do love life. It's the most complicated thing, & it knocks you down so many times, but there are so many damn lessons to learn& that's what makes it amazing.

Here I come. Don't even try stopping me.

Hitch.

"Because thats what people do. They leap and hope to God they can fly! Because otherwise, we just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down,"why in the hell did I jump?" But here I am, falling. & There's only one person that makes me feel like I can fly."

I watched Hitch this past weekend. There was some good shit in there. But above all, that's always gonna be my favorite part in the movie.

"Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away. "

"Relationships are for people who are waiting for something better to come along."

"One dance, one look, one kiss--that's all we get. Just one shot, to make the difference between 'happily ever after', and 'he's just some guy I went to some thing with once'."

"If he's stupid enough to cheat then the world should know he's dumb enough to get caught."

Yep.

everytime I try to leave,

something keeps pulling me back, me back.

- - - - -
Yesterday: Interview with Sugoi Life / Lunch @ OFL with TheGuys& Amanda / Work / PFAC Banquet / Met AJ&Lauren & Cristina&Mike

Bittersweet.

- - - - -
I hate that he pushes me to my absolute breaking point& when I have the strength to leave, he pulls me back in. ]: Everyone's right. I'm weak as hell, & it IS sad. I love you too much to really let you go. & As much as I try to stay friends with him, he just always pulls me back. I just don't wanna get hurt anymore. &The saying is true: Fool me once, shame on him. Fool me twice, shame on me. So weak. So naive. & Too much in love.

I guess the only thing I can do is try to take a step back, &hopefully one day my feelings will just fade on it's own.

- - - - -
So my paycheck was $200 but I just shelled out $90 for my phone bill. UGH. & I still have to pay for my summer classes& shit. I swear living from paycheck to paycheck is not fun. I got into the ballet program but I can't even pay for that shit so I guess I'm not going to take it. ): So sad, so sad.

Oh well. Things will turn up.

t'work it out.

It's really the hardest thing when two people love each other deeply, but they just can't seem to work things out. It's so frustrating. Why does it have to be one way or no way? Why can't we just compromise? &Why is it always me wanting to change for others. Why can't I find someone who'd actually do the same. -- I stand up for myself; it makes him mad. I tell him what I'm gonna do to make us work, change all the things he doesn't like about me; it makes him more upset. I swear I'm trying all I can to just be good for him, but nothing's ever good enough. I'm just always gonna be the one who's wrong, when all I ever wanna do is try to make things right. I thought the call was to work things out. & I kept saying I'd change& at the same time tell him what I didn't like .. thinking he'd try to do the same. But no, every single thing was turned around on me. Everything is inevitably just my fault. It was so tough to just give in& offer to change little pet peeves he hates about me [ even though he didn't offer to do the same ] .. just to be with him. ..&He wouldn't even take it. So that's the last time I'll do it. The sad thing is, I actually thought I was being a good girlfriend. But maybe, I just wasn't good enough. I'll just let go .. &hope, in the long run, he'll be happy. ..

While I was at work today I was watching a young girl& her dad having dinner. &It was obvious in the way they talked that her parents weren't together anymore. &It just made me reminisce about times when my dad would still make family nights every weekend even though him& Mom were newly divorced .. &I remember when I asked him why he'd tell me that he was just trying to make things work. That he had to hold the family together somehow. But it didn't.

I guess sometimes you just really have to move past things that won't work. I mean at times to this day I still miss the family we had, before it became so broken. &I wonder sometimes how it could've been. But I guess it's just a waste of time looking back, because when that happens people forget about what they have in the present. &People pass up opportunities for the future because they're so infused with their past.

Sometimes you just gotta let go ..

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, & wisdom to know the difference.

moving on.

Holding true to my last post. I promised myself I wouldn't stick myself in sticky situations. & One more thing was enough to let me go for good. So I did.

You need to grow up because it's growing old.

Maybe a part of today was my fault, & I least I took blame for it & said sorry. But HIM. He can never own up to his part in these stupid stupid fights, no matter how small or big it is.

Go ahead, keep protecting her. It's nice to know where I stand/stood in his life.

It hurts. But he's already made me so numb to the point where I didn't even cry today. I don't know what made him think I started crying. Because I'm not shedding another tear for something that's not worth it. I gave up so much for him. Let go of all the fights we had. & I've forgiven him no matter how much it hurt. & What did I end up with? A rockhard heart, 549, & anemia. Lovely.

To get some you gotta give some.

Remember when he said he didn't want me to be such a pushover anymore? Even to him? Well he got what he wanted.

Cos I'm not taking any more shit from anyone.

Last time I'm ever posting about him. Prrrrromise.

Over it.

life and love, in a nutshell.

Sit tight. This one's really long.
Just stuff I've learned/realized this past weekend about life& love. [:

But first, recap:

FR!DAY / Work. Bbq @ Butch's friend's house. Left pretty early back to his casa. x3 Honestly, we haven't had a night like that in a long time. Nights where I'm like, damn, I'm in love with this guy. Nights when I remember how it felt to fall in love with him. Moments like those are self-explanatory reasons of why I stay.

SATURDAY / Man, I don't even remember what I did before work, haha. Work. Kuya Jnil's house for a bbq. Haha aw I x3 Chloe, so cute. Francis dropped by to follow me cos I wathens so damn tired! MAN, I freaking love Barkada x3. If I could choose a group of friends who never fail to make me smile, it'd be them. Fcking cupcake fights. Watching only the scary parts of The Grudge. Pyramid fails. Francis: "You guys ready? [;" haha, they are my freaking family. fcking blessed to have them. <333

SUNDAY / Was wayy too tired to go to church. Watched the game with fambam. WOOHOO GET IT LAAAA x33 Stopped by little sister's to grab something. SHARA! I love those girls. They best be part of my summer, a biiig part. Work. Then V.ENT ! YES. I finally came back after what, a month? I missed them so much. &I came on a really good day. we got to choreo short routines. YAY VENTAGON! Haha, hopefully I'll post our video later. [: Denny's goodbye dinner for Henry. ): Don't worry, it ain't goodbye cos we're adding 'for now'. (:

- - - - -
So I don't know exactly when it happened this weekend, but I really changed my outlook on things. I think the problem was I cared too much& I made it my world. I kept placing boys above everything else in my life, especially myself--the real person who should come first. &Maybe that's why I get hurt so bad with every relationship. How could a guy give every other girl every ounce of effort he has even if they don't treat him well, then hold back when he finally comes across someone who would give up everything just to make him happy? I have sacrificed, turned the other cheek, and dealt with the most phenomenal things for them all. I've forgiven, forgiven, forgiven things that would make regular girls leave bitterly. I've given too many chances. I've stayed even when it was way past our breaking points .. for every single one of them. &The only time any of them ever appreciated me were the moments I finally decided to give up, for good. Why is it that the moment people feel they're starting to lose something is the moment it suddenly becomes the most important thing in their life? So tired of being appreciated only when I'm gone. I don't need this. I'm too young to stick around boys who can't seem to grow up. Boys who can't get anything in their life together, including relationships. I hate guys who try so hard to get me to put my guard down, &the moment I do, &fall, they stop trying because I'm finally theirs. Yea, having game takes effort, but making a relationship work takes a lot more. Don't get me wrong; I still care, but at the same time, I just don't anymore. It's just not worth it anymore. I'm tired of being second. I'm tired of waiting for calls that they forget to make. Tired of being stood up. Tired of rearranging my schedule just for people who won't do the same. I want someone who cares just as strongly as I do. &When I say that, I mean show it too.

I'm so tired of making exceptions. When you LOVE someone, you do anything in your power to take care of them, &make sure they have the best. To make sure that above all, they're happy. That's why sometimes people let go the ones they love even though it hurts. That's why some girls change their wardrobe. That's why some people stay in abusive relationships--mentally and/or physically. Why love is blind, & confusing. I mean, don't get me wrong, love causes good things to happen too, like how some relationships push people to want to do better& get their life together. I know shit like Beauty& the Beast isn't exactly true, but the moral of it is reality. People can change, no matter what anyone says. But if you find someone who's not willing to, it's just not worth it. It's BULLSHIT when people say they can't support something you love, or learn to love people that are important in your life because "that's not them". It's BULLSHIT when a person takes a proposal for change up the ass, & turns it into a fight, or just plain anger. Or, my favorite: when a person wants to leave because they don't believe they can be "good enough for you". PLAIN BS. If it's real, you'll make sure damn well you're good enough for someone you love. Cos if they can't do that much, honey, he just ain't that into you.

" If I were a boy, I think I could understand how it feels to love a girl. I swear I'd be a better man. "

I'm not really putting my guard back up. I'm just taking a step back. I used to consider commitment a big responsibility to take on, something you have to give your all to. But I've come to think of it as more of a BONUS. I've already given all that I can. It's their choice to take that shit, or leave it at the table. I've wanted to last a long time with every boyfriend I've had. Maybe that's why all I've ever had were serious relationships. But you know what, maybe that's how it's supposed to be. Maybe you're supposed to meet a lot of Mr. Wrongs before you bump into the RIGHT one. So that when that happens, you'll just know it's right. I think that what I want at this point is just effort, effort all around. Not just with a relationship, but with their own life too. &I think what I want the most is the one who will keep trying long after I say stop, long after it's over& done. So, can you hang?

If you feel me, give me an AMEN. [:

a heart ain't a brain.

it's a fly twist

just when you said I got this

right when the fight has stopped

it seems my body felt wrong

held on them nights, we held on

we can't let it go

but if we don't then we will never know

my heart is aching

thinking 'bout all the love we wasted

my heart's impatient

cant understand the time we're taking

my heart can't last, my heart can't decide

but its telling me it's right

& I know we should just call it quits

but I'm thinking all of this gotta change

because my heart's going insane

we used to leave on bad terms
in between them bad words
this could be love right?
but are we gon' leave when it's this good?

damnit just cause seems this lovin's
all for nothing

but you know ..

a heart ain't a brain

but I think that I still love you
a happy endin' makes you cry
cause it ends when you don't want to
& it makes perfect sense to end it like the start
how do I explain this nonsense to my heart?
a heart ain't a brain
but I'm thinkin' that I still love you

- - - - -

These past few days have been bittersweet. YesterDAY was amazing. [YesterNIGHT not so much, haha.] Even if it was just chillin' with PFAC doing random nonsense all day, they make me uber happy. [: Laggin' it to the mall. Red Robin. Window shopping. Getting scolded by managers for sunglass-trying. (: "Convention." haha. Americanized Red Ribbon. "Chocolate mousse (chocolate mousse)." HAHA. J's house. Line of cars. Tennis& getting dark. Just chillin'. I guess I haven't been spending time with friends in awhile cos other things got so chaotic. Well, I'm ready for change.

If the only way to make it work is to take a step back, give it space, & just live my life, here I go. It's in my nature to care, so the hardest thing is gonna be pretending I don't. Eh. Maybe one day, I just might not anymore.

4 Months Down. (:

it just

hurts.

almost doesn't count.

So today my doctor told me that my heart has to work harder than it should. Ha, I guess it's funny. Cos it's working x2 physically and emotionally. Good job, heart.

I feel like crying right now. There's only so much a girl can take.

No matter what, I will not break. I will always manage to tell myself that others have it way worse. &What I go through is nothing. Nothing I can't handle, at least.

You almost had me.

case closed.

Here's to the full moon; Do not cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

I'm forever sorry that I was not there for you when you needed me the most, but at least you're stronger now. <3

- - - - -
I miss my babe. haha even though I'll see him in like two days, tho thilly I know. [:

- - - - -

&Happy Momma's Day to all the mommies out there. I know I love mines.

' No gift could ever equal the gift of a mother to her child -- life. '

Yep.

I promise this summer,

I will not give up.

Calc2 course w/ thee most difficult teacher [says RateMyProfessors.com]. Trying to grab that online Philosophy course. Art class, second half of summer. HOPEFULLY get into the summer ballet program @ LA Ballet Academy. Work two jobs. Make 11409 x3 last. &Oh, those summer nights.

This summer better be full of no sleep, memories with HIMx3, adventures in LA, many many photobooth pictures, picnic picnic picnics, charity work maaaaaybe [;, SURFING!, train rides down to Oceanside (;, meeting amaaaazing people, dance dance dance, sunrises & sunsets, OC fair! [:, beach, period., moonlight walks & deep talks, randomness & spontaneity, infinite moments & memories, Chinatown visits, buy me a PET! [:, aliases (;, pictures x10000, sneaking out, beautiful scenery adventures, running before the sun comes up & working out, yoga?, BELLYDANCING[:, learning ballroom!, thrift store shopping, cleaning out old shit, reading good books, NO drama!, memories memories memories. BKD. T3. Family. The Guys. &V.ENT. yesssssssssssss. [:

Can't stop, won't stop. This summer I'ma make it one to remember.

choose your words wisely.

Because honestly, your actions hardly ever prove your words.




Why is everyone breaking up all of a sudden? Gives me NO hope. ]:

Things have been oddly going well with us the past few days. I'm falling more in love with him. But there are so many complications. I just wanna keep my heart on my sleeve. Don't wanna ever feel the way I did, ever again. People ask me why do I stay. Because the good times, no matter how small, are worth pulling through the big, the bad, & the hurt we forever go through. That's my answer. I don't think anyone will understand what pulls me in. What makes me hold on. Except for him, maybe, & the few people who go through it. "The same reason you stay is my reason too," is what he said. Yep.

Our fights are silly. We can pull through. & "Grow old together". <3>

I guess when you're in something this deep, you're forced to take that jump, whether you're ready or not.

- - - - -
May 4, 2009. <3 Be strong, girl.

The mind may forget but the heart remembers forever.

let me spill some.

So the past few days have been a huge rollercoaster.

Thursday was nice. Fcking great, actually. (: I'd have to say our Indian lunch was one of the highlights of my week. It's been awhile since I laughed that hard, that much. Dine & dash with Denny's. Bowling &pushups. Bumping into old friends. It was just lovely. (=

Friday got to sleep in, IN his arms. <3>lovely girls. Got in a fight, again. /: But I guess the night ended well cos I got to sleep in his arms. (= Sorry for the drool, babe. (;

- - - - -
o n e . So I now know what some of my biggest pet peeves are: LIARS, & people who can't MAN UP & take responsibility for their actions. People who blame the world for the consequences they endure because they can't take a step back & think to themselves, what did i do for this to happen? Seriously people need to grow up. Yeah I make mistakes but at least I own up to them, no matter how miniscule or huge.

t w o . I am utterly distressed with myself. I'm unhappy with a lot of the choices I'm making. I can't believed I stooped so low, twice this week. What's wrong with me. -.-

t h r e e . I think I just need to not give a crap anymore. It's the only way to let go of what's eating at my mind. So here I go, letting go. I could honestly care less.

The real problem was that I loved you a little too much, & you loved me not quite enough.

f o u r . Tired of being everyone's backbone. Of being strong for everyone. I'm not perfect, people. Sometimes I can't carry the weight. I just wish, that as I hold everyone else together, there could be someone to hold me together as I break as well. Just one person. One person would be enough.

- - - - -
It's coming.

&Scared as fuck.