goodbye, Summer.

I have to say, this summer slowly climbed up the scale& pretty much beat all the rest. It had it's ups& it's downs, but the ups were sky-high.

Letting go of Lei. Taking hold of Ary. Overlooking Long Beach, first time at a high-class restaurant. Going through so many changes@ my first Restaurant job. Holding three jobs at one time, &Finally finding/going back to one that wasn't part of the three to begin w/. Seeing Brother graduate. Having Mom& Dad at the same place, at the same time; so close, yet so far. Meeting Melanie. [: &The dinner w/ her aunt, where I realized how much I could not go a day longer w/o dancing again. Bonding closer w/ V.ENT@ the picnic/bbq. Father's Day♥ w/ Dad's twist on crabs. Morning classes w/ Francis [: .. then dropping it. WARPED TOUR! ..First concert in awhile since No Doubt; getting to see Meg&Dia LIVE. Sharing a passion of my mom's. New baby on the Gutlay side. Lola Naty's golden anniversary; seeing Jonas& Tonton after ages! Finding the strength to let go. &Finding something real♥.

You make me want things, I didn't think I wanted anymore.

Perfect timing, almost. Fourth of July♥ watching the rest of the world light the sky. AteKit&Minji days. Bootleg physicals. Celebrating Kuya Jnil's 20th 19th birthday(: ;last time w/ the Guys. MJCK& QT + Elaine@ the Beach. Tagging party. Mom's birthday along the coasts. SEKS Night in LA. Philippine Weekend@ Delano; driving in pitch-black in Texas Chainsaw Massacre areas; winning First Place& sharing the stage w/ Quest & Philippine All-Stars. Filipino concert, watching an amazing dancer. Teaching w/ Mel. Church camp@ Rancho Ybarra. Being able to go to Farmers' Market nights; strawberry pineapple lemonade♥ &Funnel cakes we can't finish. BKD@ Citywalk, watching a horrible movie(; . invisible string-lines, & discounted chocolate-covered strawberries. Jooji's birthday@ Chili's. Visiting Coach after a LONG time. Meeting a lot of his fambam. Luau@ Nigel's, party foullll. Hitting one month. Beach w/ PFAC for Micah's birthday. Finding God again. Brownies& Vanilla Ice Cream♥. Rekindling friendships w/ people I grew young with. Gaining back all the friends I lost temporarily because of a boy. Starting up T3♥ again. MJCK@ Getty Center. Taking him♥ to My Spot. Drama w/ family. Drama w/ exes. Him♥ breaking my "steel-thick" walls down, to show me how to love again. Summer night phone calls. Watching the meteor shower; getting lost in the dark, to find our way back to the valley, right when the sun hit the horizon. Insecurities& trust. Almost* deep-cleaning my room. Dinners w/ his♥ family. Taking care of her, drunk. Helping Sharon sneak out for her first time. Ghost-hunting & park-playing. TwinDay. Falling in love.

Every goodnight kiss, every "Hi! I'm Kit!" handshake, every five-minute interval of pure laughter, every view that took my breath away, every new place conquered, every joy, every night that did not end 'till morning, every embrace of the nature around us, every smile, every touch, every enlightening moment, every morning of waking up to someone holding me, every race of my heartbeat, every second of this life lived. ..Every DAY of this summer was exactly how it should have been. I would not change a single moment, a single tear, a single state of confusion. ..for anything.

I didn't go to New York. & I didn't keep, and pass my CalcII class. I didn't have any week-long sleepovers. I didn't do anything too outrageous like hot-air ballooning, or sky-diving (though, I will sometime!). I didn't need to do anything extravagant. The things that make me happy were just around the corner, & overlap straight into my very heart.

This summer was the most adventurous yet.

Let's go, Fall. Bring it. [:

the irony of it all.

things that bug, just a little:

when I'm woken up by being yelled at, especially for the stupidest reasons. &Especially since I treasure the days I get to actually sleep in.

when I do something right, yet I still get scolded.

when I spend half my day sitting on my butt, driving.

that I'm the go-to girl because everyone knows I'll most likely say yes.

that for some reason, I act like everyone's mom.

wasting gas& $ because of pure stupidity.

acting like the Older Sister, most of the time if not always.

taking care of people who are intoxicated.

how people somehow need drugs& alcohol to have a good time, or to "relax".

when I'm so upset that I have to change my tone or raise my voice. 'Cos I seriously feel like guilty shit afterwards.

seeing the true colors of people I thought I knew so well; people I've put so much trust into even when my doubts weighed more.

the fact that I have poor sense of judgement.

how in almost every relationship, the beginning's just a front.

still being wide awake at SIX in the AM, & having work the next day.

when I cry. I hate it above a lot of things.

going through things that change me in a bad way.

being broke because I'm trying to get an education that'll lead to a well-paying occupation.

crying because no one else is around to tell me to stop.

sleeping by myself.

that I talk a lot when I'm happy, but you most likely won't get a word out of me when I'm irritated.

being emotionally exhausted, but not sleepy a bit.

things that remind me of the past.

promises that are broken.

inconsistency.

how I have the balls to complain about the shit I go through, when it doesn't even COMPARE to what a lot of other people go through.

Why do people put up with crying every night over relationships that are hurting them repeatedly, yet, when a good thing rolls around, it's just too good to be true? Too good that they feel like they want reality. The word associated with fighting, jealousy, & working endlessly to make a relationship work even when it fails constantly. Convincing themselves that what's good isn't necessarily real.

Are you real, or is this just the beginning?

Every time I feel like my heart is filled in excess, waiting to just burst in fear of holding it in, something weighs it right back down again. &I don't know if it's because it's just not it, or if I'm just holding myself at a high. Every time I think I'm sure, something gets in the way to convince me that I haven't seen it all. I want something constant. Not something I'm constantly trying to figure out; is it everlasting, or is it just in the moment? I can never tell. I just don't want to fall for another front.

Because once I'm stuck, I'm really, stuck.

I thought falling was supposed to be a good feeling.

secrets; wishes& wants.

Wanna know two secrets I hold close to my heart?

I wish people would seriously just shut the fuck up& stop telling me things I would've been grateful to learn in the past. Because I made a choice to leave the past in the past for a reason. I don't wana hear anymore "information" that's seriously irrelevant to my life right now. It's like all I'm trying to do is to just forget about everything, but somehow things manage to linger& bring me down everytime I feel like I grabbed my oldself back. It only makes me feel even more stupid& naive. &It's just giving way to the grudge I'm trying so hard not to hold. &If you guys think you're doing me a favor by letting me in on the downlow of what I did not know, it's only bringing me down from the person I want to become, the person I want to intertwine back into my own life. Me--myself, my independent, head& heartstrong self--not the "me" who was living in his shadow.


I want to be taken care of for once. My dad's right. I spend too much time running around trying to take care of everyone else, I hardly make time to take care of myself. It gets tiring after awhile. I can't count how many times I've heard, "You spoil me." &I just wish I could whisper the same words.

The worst thing to do is suppress. But the more I run away, the safer I am. There is no way in hell I will stick myself in a situation I can't get out of. Nope, not this time.

yuck.

I am absolutely terrified by this feeling.

ain't nothing like them summer nights.

Last night / this morning was the epitomy of how a summer night should be;

Popping Little Sister Sharon's sneaking-out-bubble. Learning how to climb down a LADDER. Sneaking past neighbor windows. Getting to the other side of the roof. / Deciding to wait for Elaineface. / Visiting Francis. Too much zoom on timed captures. My own inside jokes "w/ myself". -.- Picking up socks. Gay ninja. / Loading up on Monster. / Ducking from weird looking mafia cars. Pretending to be stuck to fences. "WHICH IS WHICH? -.-" Checking all the trees to see which one's dry enough to climb. Peeing next to couples who make out. Missing tire swings. Unique rollie slides. Sitting on the top of monkey bars. Not swinging high enough& swinging too high. / Taking the wrong street to Gravity Hill [Osbourne St.]. FUCKING SCARY ASS house/barns in the middle of nowhere. Screaming at the top of my lungs& clenching his hand in mine♥. Fog, EVERYWHERE. Turning off headlights in pitch black nowheresville. (Leme tell you being the DD is not the business!) / Seeing faces in the mirrors. Weirdly lighted spots in the road. Going too far& finding abandoned tractors. ..w/ a beautiful view of Sylmar. / GLEN HAVEN CEMETERY. T.T / Gravity Hill; abruptly stopping while we were in neutral. Rolling up cos I accidently had it in third gear. (Dumbass, lol.) / Busting 120mph to Mulholland Drive. First stop being foggy as hell. Locking Jooji& Elaine out. Good talks in the car♥. / Reseda Point; snakeholes! Pleasantville. / Swinging@ the Creek. The rope being cut. -.- Swinging but not being tall enough to land, three times. Sticking my foot in the mud. The broken log. / Western Bagel. Too much& not enough cream cheese. :D / Getting home when everyone was waking up@ Sunrise. Falling asleep in his arms. Waking up in his arms& to him stroking my hair. (: Goodnight kisses& good morning kisses. Sharon being too scared to come out of Manang's. Lovehate relationship with the cereal, lol. Best breakfast I've had in a long time. &Finally crashing in my own bed at Twelve Noon.

.. & That's just the outskirts of the adventure. Not to mention, the many laughs, inside jokes created, & memories engraved. Not even pictures, as much as I LOVE them, could tell these stories. I'm proud to say I surround myself w/ good people, & nothing less. ♥ Spur of the Moment adventures like these, swear it.

first place never felt so good.

July 26, 2009*

+ V.ENT won first place@ Delano's The Showdown II.

+ We won first place in each other's hearts. ♥

Life has never felt this amazing. Things are lookin' up. & It feels so good to just have someone by me through the tough shit. It makes the tough times feel like nothing. (:

- - - - -

It makes me laugh sometimes when I hear the things you tell people. You know it's not true, &I know it's definitely not true. So why even spread it around? & You ask me countless times why I had to leave. Stop being in denial for once &face the wrongs you've done.

I'm not gonna be sorry for the things I didn't do. Took me a long time to learn that.

K THANKS. ♥ (:

fuck the world.

No one knows what I went through. Not even he realizes the shit he put me through. No one but myself.

So fuck them, & the baggage. (: I didn't listen to anyone the countless times I was told to stop. & I'm not gonna listen to anyone tell me when's the right time to start.

I'm ready. Yes, I'm ready. ♥

SEKS all day.

I don't even know what I did this week becos it went by so fast.

+ AFTERNOON W/ TWIN Finally opened up to her about the sh_t I've been going through. Felt so good to finally let her in♥.

+ DINNER W/ HIS FAMILY Lovely. I miss having a meal at a table, where everyone prays together. Where you don't needa rush to avoid the drama. I think I just miss "family," in general. 'Twas nice.

+ SEKS DAY Because you always need to have at least a few good girls in your life. It's the only all-girl group I have. &I treasure days like these to the max cos I can just, be a girl, for once? haha! Today was really a trip♥.

Got off work super-late today so I didn't get to make it to practice, or Anh's thing. LAME. Oh well, I need a new job too Monica. [;

BLEH, so beat I don't even have the energy to go to Ivan's either. -.- happy 19th, Ivan! I swear work is such a drain of energy sometimes. & I don't even do much when I think about it.

- - - - -
Did some cleaning out this week too. Throwing away old baggage. 'Cos big brother told me to. (: Whenever I used to watch Room Raiders I'd always wonder why people would get upset when they saw "memory boxes" of stuff from old lovers in their rooms. But I think I get it kine now. Why bother keeping stuff when the whole point is to move on? I'm not even close to throwing everything away. I only reached my desk, & I already threw away like seven things. haha. I thought it'd hurt seeing stuff, having to pass by old memories. But honestly, I don't know why but some things are just a blur. It's as if I fell for a completely different person than the one I let go. Oh well.

- - - - -
Wow! Watching old D&D dvds w/ SEKS really made me realize how much I've grown as a dancer the past two years. That shit was so nasty I couldn't even watch myself. haha. Don't get me wrong, I'm still proud& thankful to have had the opportunity to do choreo for all that. But, WOW. haha. "Get rid of the evidence!" haha c[:

- - - - -
&This shit bugs. I seriously needa fight it.

I think this was the most normal post I've ever done. haha. (:

a weekend well worth the wait.

So, after a week full of confusing thoughts, people who can't leave the past behind, another death to an automobile [Lei♥7109] , annoying ass relatives, working my ass off w/ two doubles this week, deadlines for my online classes, getting less sleep, nights of persistent crying, & everything else in-between .. I can FINALLY put a genuine smile on my face.

_Beach w/ QT! / MJCK♥square + bffElaine_ Playing in the water. ..seriously haven't done that in the longest. Long bff talks. Failed jumping pictures. Rolled up shorts. "Live a little!♥" Chases. Splash fights. Wet sand all over myself. [ Kuya! ]:< ] Racing & anemic Me do NOT mix. Saying hello to lifeguards. Unique ukelele songs. [; Lying on the best pillow. [; Stories about everything& anything. THE SUN SETTING. !! ..beautiful♥. "Cartwheels". etc etc.

_& Then some._ QT! time. [: Amazing Pools. 21 Sexiest Beaches. ..VENICE?! haha. Staying up 'till the sun rose, talking on& on, being held like that. [= Waking up to him& having a quickie breakfast. Yes, suh'.

How is it that we only got four hours of sleep last night, yet I feel like that's the BEST sleep I've gotten all week?

- - - - -
I'm not used to this at all. Not used to being thanked just for visiting. Or being called sweet. Being called a woman. Used to a simple "you too" in response to my morning texts, not a full on phone call to start off my day. Used to being held down when it came to wanting to have fun, not used to the freedom. Or the fact that he wants me to actually ..have fun?, even if it's not w/ him. [= Not used to someone actually listening to me, knowing me so well to have my schedule down. Knowing my daily routines. Not used to someone apologizing for the tiniest things, & knowing the bad habits to change, without having to be asked to. Or even knowing something's wrong, even without a word being said. Not used to having someone not want me to leave. Or someone there to applaud "good qualities" I didn't even notice I had. Not used to someone calling me amazing, beautiful, & everything else in the middle. I'm used to hearing "hott& sexy" only in reference to models, actresses, & other girls like MILEY CYRUS. hahaha! But never me. Always used to the attention being on every other chick but myself. Like the huge blow-ups of everyone else on the wall compared to the wallet size stump of my senior portrait. Used to waiting for phone calls, sometimes some that never even make it. Not used to having someone leave their room JUST to talk to me for hours on the phone before we sleep. Not used to having someone respect me like this. Not used to someone telling me "I'll wait." Not used to someone fighting, to be with me. So used to being pushed away. & Not at all used to having someone miss me, the moment I leave.

He likes listening to me talk, even when I get so carried away that I don't know how to stop. He likes me interrupting. He thinks it's cute when I'm embarrassed, & doesn't take it as on offensive thing. He doesn't say ".. why are you looking at me that way." when I look directly into his eyes becos he ..likes it. &He likes my eyes. My average, asian brown eyes. & I know this because he said so himself. (: & I'm not "weird" to him. He says I'm unique. & Different in a good way, for once. He likes how I introduce him to so many new things, & I feel exactly the same way. This is just the start; he still owes me "14, 996 hugs, upgradable at any time." He thinks I'm "amazing," though I don't know why. What I do know is that he makes me feel like I am "amazing." He likes a lot of me. & He likes how he can tell me what he doesn't like about me, & just the fact that we can talk about anything. We're always gonna talk it out, 'cos that's the thing to do. & He likes that.

He likes me. & I like him. ♥

A text today said "sorry" for messing up my night/weekend again. But honestly, I feel so strong, that it didn't--COULDN'T--break down what I'm feeling at all. He makes me strong. He makes me feel like I can face anything. Even though it's hard, I've never wanted to trust someone this much. I feel so safe w/ him. So taken care of, yet independent at the same exact time. I feel so appreciated. So whole again.

I was confused, hurt, & scared.But now I know it's a fact. No longer a "crush". No longer something I'm unsure of. Baby steps; we'll get there. We'll get through whatever. & Even if it fails, & we don't make it to where we want, I'm not scared to at least give it a try. How did He know? How did God know to send me an angel the moment I broke?

'So cool.' & Just a bit amazing, for now. [:

just when I thought

I had no more feelings to spare,
you've managed to squeeze the last tears out of me.

You should really consider it your talent. Because you're so good at it.

Thanks for pushing my buttons enough for me to erupt, & leaving me to crumble. And you wonder why in the world I left. Blaming everything but your ownself. Take a good look in the mirror.

So now that I'm gone, can you ask yourself, was it worth it?

- - - - -
Here's to another night. ]';

tick-tock, round the clock.

because this post is about time& nothing more.

I fell asleep at 2AM feeling crappy. Woke up at 4AM feeling crappy. Argued w/ someone for two fuckin' hours making me feel even more shitty. Cried. Fell asleep at 7AM. & Woke up still feeling like crap at 8:30.

I'm going too fast, way too fast. Not us, just me. I promised myself I wouldn't care for someone the way I did w/ all the others for awhile. Because no one was gonna be worth my effort.

& Then I met you& you're worth everything. I wanna care again.

But at the same time I don't want to.

"Time to heal babygirl."

"If you wanna be my boyfriend, you gotta be like, Superboyfriend."

"Okay."

Too good to be true. I need to slow down. Just me.

You never miss the water 'till the well runs dry.

Can someone please tell me how you still have the power to make me cry, even when it's OVER. Even when I'm completely done?

"I'm sad& don't know why."
"Umm. Sorry?"

What kind of friend says something as shitty as that?

&I absolutely cannot believe you have the nerve to say I didn't love you that much. So after everything I've ever done. After I stuck around for so long, dealing w/ every little thing thrown at me. Keeping the hurt low-key. Just to show the world I was strong. To show everyone you were a good guy. Just to make you happy. After being patient w/ you, because I knew how much you yourself have been hurt by her. After holding you close when your world fell apart because of YOUR own mistakes, even though you couldn't do the same w/ me when things were fucked up. After giving up the majority of my friends. After dealing w/ your psycho ex when she spread countless rumors about me. Being regulated. Being okay with your hypocrisy. Tip-toeing around you so as to not push your buttons. Giving when I had nothing else to give. All those nights I cried over your ass. When all you could do is yell at me to stop. Everything& anything you did, I took.

Love is giving someone the potential to break you, trusting them not to.

&That's what I did. Every day. It kept building up& ironically, so did my trust in you. So don't tell me I didn't "that much". Because once upon a time I did. Strongly. Deeply. So much that I didn't care how much it hurt. So much that I stood up for you to every person that really did care about me enough to tell me it wasn't healthy.

& I forgave you. No questions asked.

& I appreciate that you "tried". But this time it just wasn't enough.

- - - - -
Time heals everything. & God sends miracles when the time is right. To help along the way. For a long time I thought everything was my fault. But I'm so much stronger now. &I'm not gonna pass something up that makes me happy. I forgot what it felt like to get a simple phone call to start off my day with my smile. Or what it felt like to have someone miss me the second I leave. It's just the beginning, but it's never felt so right.

After everything we've been through together, I promised to still stick by you as a friend. I've never asked anything of you throughout the time we were together. &Now I'm asking you for one favor--to just be happy for me.

We were strong for a moment in time. I'm sure both of us will learn from the whole experience altogether. Just know you were never replaced. No one can take away what we had. Memories are a forever thing. &Even though they weren't as common, the happy times were treasured way more than the tough ones.

I was strong for you,
now it's your turn. ♥

lovesquare& Happy Birthday Mommacakes!

Saturday 7119 Work Getty Center x33 w/ our Lovesquare*; Conversations w/ parking ladies. Trams that take us only higher. Beautiful views. Cactus in t/ middle of nowhere. Sculptures. Paintings. Tourist or not? [; Flowers so beautiful they're blinding. Secret dancing couple. BevHills& Downtown buildings. Being called "sweet" for once. Beautiful things& beautiful people to see them with. Granada Hills; Attempt to watch Push. More family-meeting. x3 Falling asleep, again, in the arms. Good music. A little fast-forward, but still worth the moment. (:

Sunday 7129 HAPPY 49TH BIRTHDAY TO THE BEST MOM EVER.; ..Early birthday singing@ home w/ Cookie Cake. Having to redo it three times FAST b/c my torch lighter was too strong. "Come here often? (;" - "I almost feel like part of the family." Endless laughter. Great moments x33 Bubbagump; Mom's "sweet-16" dance. 60-60-40. Really asking the waiter for the bathroom. Forrest Gump trivia. Alchie. 3rd Street Promenade; Bathing suit for $10. Endless search for a bathroom. Hip-hop performers& other .. "interesting" performers. KIT, SON! "Good luck in the bathroom!" Weird gelato flavors. Art in the Apple store. Moving the chalk. Not even waking up a single second during San Pedro. Bboy Footwerkz. Etc etc. ♥

- - - - -

I honestly do love my family, minus a couple. Unique, just how I like it. Broken, yet together somehow. I swear we have the most low-key problems but somehow in the end we manage to pull it together.

- - - - -
I have no idea what's going on w/ me. Wish I could just be carefree but somehow my mind always gets the best of me. Well now more than ever, 'cos of everything.

I think the reason I'm like this is 'cos I don't wanna make it seem as if I'm still scared.

Oh, but I am.

- - - - -

I wish you'd stop telling me things I don't wanna hear anymore. What good does it do when it's already over& done with? I poured everything out to you for so long, gave so many chances, & only now do you show you care. It seriously stresses me out. &Confuses me.

EXHAUSTED. Please just stop.

- - - - -

All in all, I'm loving life.

To the fullest. [=

okay.

because you're the only one who's ever "fought for me".

- - - - -

I guess the only way to ever really heal, is to actually let yourself.

It's not gonna come naturally. & You have to learn to trust again, & take risks. & Just believe, but it's the only way.

You're the only one who's ever understood me, & been patient w/ me. The only one who I've ever heard the words "don't leave me" from.

How is it that someone w/ as much as two years of history can tell me to let go, yet someone w/ as a little as a week of history can tell me to stay?

& That's why I'll try.

the mean reds.

Holly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?

Paul: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?

Holly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat& maybe it's been raining too long. You're just sad for no reason, that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid& you don't know just what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

Scene from Breakfast@ Tiffany's
^ one of my favorite movies, mind you! [;

- - - - -

The second I think to myself how wonderful it is, I hold back& put my defenses up. I'm so scared, & I don't even know why or of what.

&I absolutely hate that you did this to me.

Out of everything I've been through, the thing that really sucks the most is the change the whole experience altogether placed on me. Memories, you can forget, or somehow let go of over time. But change takes as much effort to reverse as it did to get that way in the first place.

I know I can somehow get my old self back, but it's gonna take a lot of work& a lot of time.

hello, summer.

Mhm.

Last night was fun;

Coffee run in the middle of the night. Late night driving in t/ Decepticon. [; Yelling from car to car because people can't pick up their PHONES. "PICK UP YOUR PHONE!!!" Staring@ Jack's menu eternally only to end up w/ a fruitcup. ]; Sitting improperly in the car. Ripsticking, skateboarding, biking, &pogoing in the middle of the street. Trying to find the moon w/ a wobbly telescope. Finding the moon w/ t/ wobbly telescope, craters& all, clouds passing by. Telling scary stories. Just watching t/ moonlight. Being held. Googling t/ whys& how comes of this weird ass world. FML. MLIA. & MLIG. -- dot com. [; Last hugs that end too quick. [: &Going home@ 3AM, to find no one else on the road except myself, w/ a huge smile on my face. (:

Simple, yet so good.

Hyperactive. Nonstop laughter. Driving w/ the windows down, good music up. Rekindling old, & I mean superold friendships. Good talks about everything. Letting loose. Dancing. Stories told& stories made. & Good company. (:

It's not so much about t/ things we do, but the people we do them with.

It's just begun.

God, God, & more God.

I think it's pretty sad that a lot of the time, we only go to God when we're in desperate need of someone to be there. & The beauty of it is: He's always there for us, patient, &always waiting.

I feel really bad that I've been neglecting Him because of work& everything else that's interferring in life, but I swear, I always feel uber refreshed when I step outside of mass.

Three things that got me pretty damn deep:

You brood of vipers, how can you, being evil, speak what is good? For the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart. The good man brings out of his good treasure what is good; and the evil man brings out of his evil treasure what is evil. But I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.

: Matthew 12:34

Someone once told me as an excuse, that "words are words until an action takes place". Today I really did learn that we say things that we regret later on, & then we make excuses for why we said things, like "I was talking out of my ass," or "It was my anger talking," or, my favorite -- "I just wasn't thinking." But you know what, all those excuses are not things that make the things we say justifiable. They're only exactly what they are--EXCUSES. I realized that everything we say does come from our heart, "that place eighteen inches from our mind". & What we say makes who we are. Period.

So watch what you say. A person might forget the things you said over time, but they will never forget the way you made them feel.

Bad company corrupts good character.

: Phil, the Preacher

Why did I stick around for too long even when I knew how bad it was? I honestly don't know. Because now I have to pay for it, trying to rebuild myself, my self-esteem, my faith, everything. & Only now am I seeing everything. But I'm so glad that I did.

We're holy when we don't want to love a person anymore, but find that we still do. Or when we can't find it in our hearts to forgive a person anymore, but we do anyways.

: Phil, the Preacher

& That alone is self-explanatory. Story of my life.

- - - - -

This weekend, I've got to say, was by-far one of the best I've had in a long while.

+ Movies w/ just the sibs.

+ Rooftop watching fireworks with amazing people.

+ Being taken to church again.

+ Lambchops, make-shift brownies, & vanilla ice-cream.

= (:

I'm starting to heal. It'll take awhile, but it's a start.

I'll be okay. <3

shit's ridiculous.

"If someone's stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let them go."

I keep trying to hold on to the person I once knew in you, but all these lies just keep building up, & I think I've finally lost my trust for you. Hurts too much.

Too many disappointments.
Time to let go.

goodbye, my lover.

" Even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile 'cos I deserve to. "

Letting go of all the hurt. It's gonna take awhile, but at least I know I'm moving forward. I think I finally found the strength in me I knew I had all along, &I feel like I have to start from scratch all over again, rebuilding myself from what's been broken. But at least I'm on the way to healing rather than being stuck in the same ditch, digging myself a deeper hole.

I don't think I've ever been hurt this much, but I swear on anything that this was one of the biggest lessons I've ever learned.

&I find it truly amazing how certain people can make me feel so strong when I'm at my weakest, without even knowing it. I'm forever grateful. Couldn't have picked up all by myself.

<3>

just a little insecure.

I can honestly say I have never been this confused about these type of things in my life. I feel like I keep swinging my decisions based on what I'm feeling at the moment, but I know I need to start thinking about what's better in the longrun, for once. It's so confusing I really don't even know what I'm feeling at all. I just wana keep my heart protected again, &be the old independent me, not giving a FUCK about whether a boy gives a shit or not. Why is it that the other end is always willing to change right when I'm really, truly ready to just give it up. It's like I have to go through this agonizing tortuous test just to see if I can stick around through all the bullshit,& I do, but then comes the moment where I just can't hang anymore, &that's the moment the other end finally wants to change, for real. I can't seem to understand ..why. Why do people have to wait for the moment something's finally gone, to finally realize what they had?

I just don't know about anything anymore. My heart's been tossed around so many times these past years. It just keeps building up, all the hurt& pain. Every time I meet someone new I think I'm ready to let everything in my past go. But then it just happens all over again. &It just adds on. &I end up with a bigger wall to break. A heavier guard to let down.

I'm scared to feel that way again. To be absolutely "happy". To trust someone else to take care of me. I wana ride with it but how many times have I said that? ..Only to wound up with just another scar to add to my collection. &How many times after that have I told myself how stupid I was for holding on? I can't even remember the last time I cried; I think there's really no more tears to cry.

Whatever decision I make, someone's gonna get hurt. This time I wana think of me first though. For once I just wanna be selfish. Too many times have I been selfless to spare others' feelings. & Look at where I'm at now. ..so broken. I let too many things fly when I shouldn't have. &I never wanna make that mistake again. I wanna be happy. I want something concrete. Something to hold onto. I want someone who will keep going long after I say stop. So I can know for sure it's worth it.

I'm not sad. I'm just carrying such a heavy heart.

&Yet, it still feels so, so very empty.

that ain't love at all.

Myxx - That Ain't Love At All. That song pinpoints how I feel exactly to the T.

Will someone please tell me, am I wrong to feel this way? After all the shit that went down, there are still tiny moments throughout the day where I find myself missing you. Where I want to cry but know that I can't. I still care so much for you. I still love you times a thousand. What a bitch; I was waiting for something to slap me in the face to let me realize how much I needed to let go. &Who would've guessed .. something really did hit me. I just wish it didn't hurt this much. After everything, I still pray for you before I go to sleep. I still wish good things for you. But at the end of the day, I don't even know what all these feelings mean. Because the person I fell for was like .. a facade. Someone I can't find anymore. I try to think of the person I fell for every time I think of you, but the only thing that runs through my mind is the person who's hurt me the most. The person I didn't know existed. The person who was there all along, but I was too blind& naive to really see ..

"My heart's attacked by the things you say, my body's numb.

Your love is like last year; it's over, it's done."

- - - - -

On a better note, things with Father's Day were good. [: I miss our complete family, but hey, the broken one ain't so bad. If things didn't happen the way they did, I would've never had Baby AJ. Or Tita. in my life. We had crabs, my ultimate favorite. Life really is good. Just gotta appreciate the things you have. &Forget the things you lost or don't anymore. <3

wow.

This world makes me fucking sick to my stomach. People are so fucked up, seriously. & I make myself sick too.

Because I bought that shit for seven months.

Stupid, blinded, naive little me

has finally learned the damn truth.

you don't even know

how shitty you make me feel.



this shit just never ends.

schedule.

Summer
M - Th:
8 - 12:15: Calc 2

Online Western Art History 2
Online Philosophy 1

Fall
M & W:
11:10 - 12:35: Chem 60
T & Th:
8 - 10:05: Chem 60
12:45 - 2:10: Music 111
Just Thursdays:
10:10 - 12:15: Ballet

Online Psychology 1
Online English 1

// Excited. [:

because it's my life.

I swear, after not having danced for what, three months? .. Dancing again today was the best. Like really. I can't even explain it. <3

&from this day forward;

I promise to change.

I really wanna better myself. Stop giving up with things so easily. Fight the depressions. Give a million percent in everything I do. Let go of all the hurt, just let it go. Get rid of the people who hurt me, & cherish the ones who would never in a million years. Give all I can to those who need it the most. Be selfless. Be happy with what I have. Let it go when it comes to the breaking point, & never run back. Stop putting people on high pedastools; I'm important too.

I don't know how to explain it. I just .. will.

I honestly wish

you could love me the way you loved her.



'Cos I'd never make you regret it.<3

they're all part of the list,

things that I miss[ed].

I really, truly, deeply love:

when you hold my hand in the car.

when you cuddle with me while we're watching tv.

when you wake up for me.

when you text me/call me when you wake up.

when you call me baby instead of babe.

when you tell me you love me before we part.

when you tell me you love me in general.

when you give me that smile/smirk you used to give me.
when you apologize for not texting.

when you call me when you get home.

when you wish me good night.

when 'I love you' is the last thing I hear before I fall asleep.

when you're concerned about me not feeling well.

when you&I can be doing our own things but I somehow still feel close to you.

when you call just because you want to.

when you kiss my forehead.

when you kiss me in general.

when you play with my hair.

when you actually conversate with me throughout the day.

when you call me sugar, darling, my dear, or sweetheart.

when I can go to sleep with a smile because for once, everything's just right.

It honestly hasn't been like this in the longest while. Tt's amazing how much hurt you can carry in your heart when you stop hearing the person you love say it, or even express it. & How much happiness& joy you can have just by hearing it.

I told Ate that I was scared to feel good about how things are going because I know that in the blink of an eye, things will just return to the same old, same hard times, or maybe get worse. But she brought up a good point; it's going to happen eventually, so I might as well embrace it& ride with it while it lasts.

So here I go again, taking that leap.

will we ever

work things out?

If you love me, let me know.
If you don't, then let me go.

how do I feel?

Overwhelmed. Tired. Foolish. Mad. Scared. Lonely.

Frustrated. Empty. Loss. Trapped. Naive. Nothing.

We failed once. So we tried. Then we failed. Then we tried, then we failed. Then we tried, & tried, & tried, & tried. & We're still failing. So much so that I feel so numb. I don't know what to feel anymore, or if I could ever do so again.

la la loveeeee.

Damn, everything is so bittersweet lately. Things are getting better, way better. A little sad I can't do V.ENT for awhile, but that's not gonna stop be from dancing, when I can.

Things are looking up, cos I'm letting it. Taking a step back is helping, a lot. Maybe soon I just won't give a shit anymore.

I honestly do love life. It's the most complicated thing, & it knocks you down so many times, but there are so many damn lessons to learn& that's what makes it amazing.

Here I come. Don't even try stopping me.

Hitch.

"Because thats what people do. They leap and hope to God they can fly! Because otherwise, we just drop like a rock, wondering the whole way down,"why in the hell did I jump?" But here I am, falling. & There's only one person that makes me feel like I can fly."

I watched Hitch this past weekend. There was some good shit in there. But above all, that's always gonna be my favorite part in the movie.

"Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love. If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink, drink in the moments that take your breath away. "

"Relationships are for people who are waiting for something better to come along."

"One dance, one look, one kiss--that's all we get. Just one shot, to make the difference between 'happily ever after', and 'he's just some guy I went to some thing with once'."

"If he's stupid enough to cheat then the world should know he's dumb enough to get caught."

Yep.

everytime I try to leave,

something keeps pulling me back, me back.

- - - - -
Yesterday: Interview with Sugoi Life / Lunch @ OFL with TheGuys& Amanda / Work / PFAC Banquet / Met AJ&Lauren & Cristina&Mike

Bittersweet.

- - - - -
I hate that he pushes me to my absolute breaking point& when I have the strength to leave, he pulls me back in. ]: Everyone's right. I'm weak as hell, & it IS sad. I love you too much to really let you go. & As much as I try to stay friends with him, he just always pulls me back. I just don't wanna get hurt anymore. &The saying is true: Fool me once, shame on him. Fool me twice, shame on me. So weak. So naive. & Too much in love.

I guess the only thing I can do is try to take a step back, &hopefully one day my feelings will just fade on it's own.

- - - - -
So my paycheck was $200 but I just shelled out $90 for my phone bill. UGH. & I still have to pay for my summer classes& shit. I swear living from paycheck to paycheck is not fun. I got into the ballet program but I can't even pay for that shit so I guess I'm not going to take it. ): So sad, so sad.

Oh well. Things will turn up.

t'work it out.

It's really the hardest thing when two people love each other deeply, but they just can't seem to work things out. It's so frustrating. Why does it have to be one way or no way? Why can't we just compromise? &Why is it always me wanting to change for others. Why can't I find someone who'd actually do the same. -- I stand up for myself; it makes him mad. I tell him what I'm gonna do to make us work, change all the things he doesn't like about me; it makes him more upset. I swear I'm trying all I can to just be good for him, but nothing's ever good enough. I'm just always gonna be the one who's wrong, when all I ever wanna do is try to make things right. I thought the call was to work things out. & I kept saying I'd change& at the same time tell him what I didn't like .. thinking he'd try to do the same. But no, every single thing was turned around on me. Everything is inevitably just my fault. It was so tough to just give in& offer to change little pet peeves he hates about me [ even though he didn't offer to do the same ] .. just to be with him. ..&He wouldn't even take it. So that's the last time I'll do it. The sad thing is, I actually thought I was being a good girlfriend. But maybe, I just wasn't good enough. I'll just let go .. &hope, in the long run, he'll be happy. ..

While I was at work today I was watching a young girl& her dad having dinner. &It was obvious in the way they talked that her parents weren't together anymore. &It just made me reminisce about times when my dad would still make family nights every weekend even though him& Mom were newly divorced .. &I remember when I asked him why he'd tell me that he was just trying to make things work. That he had to hold the family together somehow. But it didn't.

I guess sometimes you just really have to move past things that won't work. I mean at times to this day I still miss the family we had, before it became so broken. &I wonder sometimes how it could've been. But I guess it's just a waste of time looking back, because when that happens people forget about what they have in the present. &People pass up opportunities for the future because they're so infused with their past.

Sometimes you just gotta let go ..

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can, & wisdom to know the difference.

moving on.

Holding true to my last post. I promised myself I wouldn't stick myself in sticky situations. & One more thing was enough to let me go for good. So I did.

You need to grow up because it's growing old.

Maybe a part of today was my fault, & I least I took blame for it & said sorry. But HIM. He can never own up to his part in these stupid stupid fights, no matter how small or big it is.

Go ahead, keep protecting her. It's nice to know where I stand/stood in his life.

It hurts. But he's already made me so numb to the point where I didn't even cry today. I don't know what made him think I started crying. Because I'm not shedding another tear for something that's not worth it. I gave up so much for him. Let go of all the fights we had. & I've forgiven him no matter how much it hurt. & What did I end up with? A rockhard heart, 549, & anemia. Lovely.

To get some you gotta give some.

Remember when he said he didn't want me to be such a pushover anymore? Even to him? Well he got what he wanted.

Cos I'm not taking any more shit from anyone.

Last time I'm ever posting about him. Prrrrromise.

Over it.

life and love, in a nutshell.

Sit tight. This one's really long.
Just stuff I've learned/realized this past weekend about life& love. [:

But first, recap:

FR!DAY / Work. Bbq @ Butch's friend's house. Left pretty early back to his casa. x3 Honestly, we haven't had a night like that in a long time. Nights where I'm like, damn, I'm in love with this guy. Nights when I remember how it felt to fall in love with him. Moments like those are self-explanatory reasons of why I stay.

SATURDAY / Man, I don't even remember what I did before work, haha. Work. Kuya Jnil's house for a bbq. Haha aw I x3 Chloe, so cute. Francis dropped by to follow me cos I wathens so damn tired! MAN, I freaking love Barkada x3. If I could choose a group of friends who never fail to make me smile, it'd be them. Fcking cupcake fights. Watching only the scary parts of The Grudge. Pyramid fails. Francis: "You guys ready? [;" haha, they are my freaking family. fcking blessed to have them. <333

SUNDAY / Was wayy too tired to go to church. Watched the game with fambam. WOOHOO GET IT LAAAA x33 Stopped by little sister's to grab something. SHARA! I love those girls. They best be part of my summer, a biiig part. Work. Then V.ENT ! YES. I finally came back after what, a month? I missed them so much. &I came on a really good day. we got to choreo short routines. YAY VENTAGON! Haha, hopefully I'll post our video later. [: Denny's goodbye dinner for Henry. ): Don't worry, it ain't goodbye cos we're adding 'for now'. (:

- - - - -
So I don't know exactly when it happened this weekend, but I really changed my outlook on things. I think the problem was I cared too much& I made it my world. I kept placing boys above everything else in my life, especially myself--the real person who should come first. &Maybe that's why I get hurt so bad with every relationship. How could a guy give every other girl every ounce of effort he has even if they don't treat him well, then hold back when he finally comes across someone who would give up everything just to make him happy? I have sacrificed, turned the other cheek, and dealt with the most phenomenal things for them all. I've forgiven, forgiven, forgiven things that would make regular girls leave bitterly. I've given too many chances. I've stayed even when it was way past our breaking points .. for every single one of them. &The only time any of them ever appreciated me were the moments I finally decided to give up, for good. Why is it that the moment people feel they're starting to lose something is the moment it suddenly becomes the most important thing in their life? So tired of being appreciated only when I'm gone. I don't need this. I'm too young to stick around boys who can't seem to grow up. Boys who can't get anything in their life together, including relationships. I hate guys who try so hard to get me to put my guard down, &the moment I do, &fall, they stop trying because I'm finally theirs. Yea, having game takes effort, but making a relationship work takes a lot more. Don't get me wrong; I still care, but at the same time, I just don't anymore. It's just not worth it anymore. I'm tired of being second. I'm tired of waiting for calls that they forget to make. Tired of being stood up. Tired of rearranging my schedule just for people who won't do the same. I want someone who cares just as strongly as I do. &When I say that, I mean show it too.

I'm so tired of making exceptions. When you LOVE someone, you do anything in your power to take care of them, &make sure they have the best. To make sure that above all, they're happy. That's why sometimes people let go the ones they love even though it hurts. That's why some girls change their wardrobe. That's why some people stay in abusive relationships--mentally and/or physically. Why love is blind, & confusing. I mean, don't get me wrong, love causes good things to happen too, like how some relationships push people to want to do better& get their life together. I know shit like Beauty& the Beast isn't exactly true, but the moral of it is reality. People can change, no matter what anyone says. But if you find someone who's not willing to, it's just not worth it. It's BULLSHIT when people say they can't support something you love, or learn to love people that are important in your life because "that's not them". It's BULLSHIT when a person takes a proposal for change up the ass, & turns it into a fight, or just plain anger. Or, my favorite: when a person wants to leave because they don't believe they can be "good enough for you". PLAIN BS. If it's real, you'll make sure damn well you're good enough for someone you love. Cos if they can't do that much, honey, he just ain't that into you.

" If I were a boy, I think I could understand how it feels to love a girl. I swear I'd be a better man. "

I'm not really putting my guard back up. I'm just taking a step back. I used to consider commitment a big responsibility to take on, something you have to give your all to. But I've come to think of it as more of a BONUS. I've already given all that I can. It's their choice to take that shit, or leave it at the table. I've wanted to last a long time with every boyfriend I've had. Maybe that's why all I've ever had were serious relationships. But you know what, maybe that's how it's supposed to be. Maybe you're supposed to meet a lot of Mr. Wrongs before you bump into the RIGHT one. So that when that happens, you'll just know it's right. I think that what I want at this point is just effort, effort all around. Not just with a relationship, but with their own life too. &I think what I want the most is the one who will keep trying long after I say stop, long after it's over& done. So, can you hang?

If you feel me, give me an AMEN. [:

a heart ain't a brain.

it's a fly twist

just when you said I got this

right when the fight has stopped

it seems my body felt wrong

held on them nights, we held on

we can't let it go

but if we don't then we will never know

my heart is aching

thinking 'bout all the love we wasted

my heart's impatient

cant understand the time we're taking

my heart can't last, my heart can't decide

but its telling me it's right

& I know we should just call it quits

but I'm thinking all of this gotta change

because my heart's going insane

we used to leave on bad terms
in between them bad words
this could be love right?
but are we gon' leave when it's this good?

damnit just cause seems this lovin's
all for nothing

but you know ..

a heart ain't a brain

but I think that I still love you
a happy endin' makes you cry
cause it ends when you don't want to
& it makes perfect sense to end it like the start
how do I explain this nonsense to my heart?
a heart ain't a brain
but I'm thinkin' that I still love you

- - - - -

These past few days have been bittersweet. YesterDAY was amazing. [YesterNIGHT not so much, haha.] Even if it was just chillin' with PFAC doing random nonsense all day, they make me uber happy. [: Laggin' it to the mall. Red Robin. Window shopping. Getting scolded by managers for sunglass-trying. (: "Convention." haha. Americanized Red Ribbon. "Chocolate mousse (chocolate mousse)." HAHA. J's house. Line of cars. Tennis& getting dark. Just chillin'. I guess I haven't been spending time with friends in awhile cos other things got so chaotic. Well, I'm ready for change.

If the only way to make it work is to take a step back, give it space, & just live my life, here I go. It's in my nature to care, so the hardest thing is gonna be pretending I don't. Eh. Maybe one day, I just might not anymore.

4 Months Down. (:

it just

hurts.

almost doesn't count.

So today my doctor told me that my heart has to work harder than it should. Ha, I guess it's funny. Cos it's working x2 physically and emotionally. Good job, heart.

I feel like crying right now. There's only so much a girl can take.

No matter what, I will not break. I will always manage to tell myself that others have it way worse. &What I go through is nothing. Nothing I can't handle, at least.

You almost had me.

case closed.

Here's to the full moon; Do not cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.

I'm forever sorry that I was not there for you when you needed me the most, but at least you're stronger now. <3

- - - - -
I miss my babe. haha even though I'll see him in like two days, tho thilly I know. [:

- - - - -

&Happy Momma's Day to all the mommies out there. I know I love mines.

' No gift could ever equal the gift of a mother to her child -- life. '

Yep.

I promise this summer,

I will not give up.

Calc2 course w/ thee most difficult teacher [says RateMyProfessors.com]. Trying to grab that online Philosophy course. Art class, second half of summer. HOPEFULLY get into the summer ballet program @ LA Ballet Academy. Work two jobs. Make 11409 x3 last. &Oh, those summer nights.

This summer better be full of no sleep, memories with HIMx3, adventures in LA, many many photobooth pictures, picnic picnic picnics, charity work maaaaaybe [;, SURFING!, train rides down to Oceanside (;, meeting amaaaazing people, dance dance dance, sunrises & sunsets, OC fair! [:, beach, period., moonlight walks & deep talks, randomness & spontaneity, infinite moments & memories, Chinatown visits, buy me a PET! [:, aliases (;, pictures x10000, sneaking out, beautiful scenery adventures, running before the sun comes up & working out, yoga?, BELLYDANCING[:, learning ballroom!, thrift store shopping, cleaning out old shit, reading good books, NO drama!, memories memories memories. BKD. T3. Family. The Guys. &V.ENT. yesssssssssssss. [:

Can't stop, won't stop. This summer I'ma make it one to remember.

choose your words wisely.

Because honestly, your actions hardly ever prove your words.




Why is everyone breaking up all of a sudden? Gives me NO hope. ]:

Things have been oddly going well with us the past few days. I'm falling more in love with him. But there are so many complications. I just wanna keep my heart on my sleeve. Don't wanna ever feel the way I did, ever again. People ask me why do I stay. Because the good times, no matter how small, are worth pulling through the big, the bad, & the hurt we forever go through. That's my answer. I don't think anyone will understand what pulls me in. What makes me hold on. Except for him, maybe, & the few people who go through it. "The same reason you stay is my reason too," is what he said. Yep.

Our fights are silly. We can pull through. & "Grow old together". <3>

I guess when you're in something this deep, you're forced to take that jump, whether you're ready or not.

- - - - -
May 4, 2009. <3 Be strong, girl.

The mind may forget but the heart remembers forever.