just a little insecure.

I can honestly say I have never been this confused about these type of things in my life. I feel like I keep swinging my decisions based on what I'm feeling at the moment, but I know I need to start thinking about what's better in the longrun, for once. It's so confusing I really don't even know what I'm feeling at all. I just wana keep my heart protected again, &be the old independent me, not giving a FUCK about whether a boy gives a shit or not. Why is it that the other end is always willing to change right when I'm really, truly ready to just give it up. It's like I have to go through this agonizing tortuous test just to see if I can stick around through all the bullshit,& I do, but then comes the moment where I just can't hang anymore, &that's the moment the other end finally wants to change, for real. I can't seem to understand ..why. Why do people have to wait for the moment something's finally gone, to finally realize what they had?

I just don't know about anything anymore. My heart's been tossed around so many times these past years. It just keeps building up, all the hurt& pain. Every time I meet someone new I think I'm ready to let everything in my past go. But then it just happens all over again. &It just adds on. &I end up with a bigger wall to break. A heavier guard to let down.

I'm scared to feel that way again. To be absolutely "happy". To trust someone else to take care of me. I wana ride with it but how many times have I said that? ..Only to wound up with just another scar to add to my collection. &How many times after that have I told myself how stupid I was for holding on? I can't even remember the last time I cried; I think there's really no more tears to cry.

Whatever decision I make, someone's gonna get hurt. This time I wana think of me first though. For once I just wanna be selfish. Too many times have I been selfless to spare others' feelings. & Look at where I'm at now. ..so broken. I let too many things fly when I shouldn't have. &I never wanna make that mistake again. I wanna be happy. I want something concrete. Something to hold onto. I want someone who will keep going long after I say stop. So I can know for sure it's worth it.

I'm not sad. I'm just carrying such a heavy heart.

&Yet, it still feels so, so very empty.

that ain't love at all.

Myxx - That Ain't Love At All. That song pinpoints how I feel exactly to the T.

Will someone please tell me, am I wrong to feel this way? After all the shit that went down, there are still tiny moments throughout the day where I find myself missing you. Where I want to cry but know that I can't. I still care so much for you. I still love you times a thousand. What a bitch; I was waiting for something to slap me in the face to let me realize how much I needed to let go. &Who would've guessed .. something really did hit me. I just wish it didn't hurt this much. After everything, I still pray for you before I go to sleep. I still wish good things for you. But at the end of the day, I don't even know what all these feelings mean. Because the person I fell for was like .. a facade. Someone I can't find anymore. I try to think of the person I fell for every time I think of you, but the only thing that runs through my mind is the person who's hurt me the most. The person I didn't know existed. The person who was there all along, but I was too blind& naive to really see ..

"My heart's attacked by the things you say, my body's numb.

Your love is like last year; it's over, it's done."

- - - - -

On a better note, things with Father's Day were good. [: I miss our complete family, but hey, the broken one ain't so bad. If things didn't happen the way they did, I would've never had Baby AJ. Or Tita. in my life. We had crabs, my ultimate favorite. Life really is good. Just gotta appreciate the things you have. &Forget the things you lost or don't anymore. <3

wow.

This world makes me fucking sick to my stomach. People are so fucked up, seriously. & I make myself sick too.

Because I bought that shit for seven months.

Stupid, blinded, naive little me

has finally learned the damn truth.

you don't even know

how shitty you make me feel.



this shit just never ends.

schedule.

Summer
M - Th:
8 - 12:15: Calc 2

Online Western Art History 2
Online Philosophy 1

Fall
M & W:
11:10 - 12:35: Chem 60
T & Th:
8 - 10:05: Chem 60
12:45 - 2:10: Music 111
Just Thursdays:
10:10 - 12:15: Ballet

Online Psychology 1
Online English 1

// Excited. [:

because it's my life.

I swear, after not having danced for what, three months? .. Dancing again today was the best. Like really. I can't even explain it. <3

&from this day forward;

I promise to change.

I really wanna better myself. Stop giving up with things so easily. Fight the depressions. Give a million percent in everything I do. Let go of all the hurt, just let it go. Get rid of the people who hurt me, & cherish the ones who would never in a million years. Give all I can to those who need it the most. Be selfless. Be happy with what I have. Let it go when it comes to the breaking point, & never run back. Stop putting people on high pedastools; I'm important too.

I don't know how to explain it. I just .. will.

I honestly wish

you could love me the way you loved her.



'Cos I'd never make you regret it.<3

they're all part of the list,

things that I miss[ed].

I really, truly, deeply love:

when you hold my hand in the car.

when you cuddle with me while we're watching tv.

when you wake up for me.

when you text me/call me when you wake up.

when you call me baby instead of babe.

when you tell me you love me before we part.

when you tell me you love me in general.

when you give me that smile/smirk you used to give me.
when you apologize for not texting.

when you call me when you get home.

when you wish me good night.

when 'I love you' is the last thing I hear before I fall asleep.

when you're concerned about me not feeling well.

when you&I can be doing our own things but I somehow still feel close to you.

when you call just because you want to.

when you kiss my forehead.

when you kiss me in general.

when you play with my hair.

when you actually conversate with me throughout the day.

when you call me sugar, darling, my dear, or sweetheart.

when I can go to sleep with a smile because for once, everything's just right.

It honestly hasn't been like this in the longest while. Tt's amazing how much hurt you can carry in your heart when you stop hearing the person you love say it, or even express it. & How much happiness& joy you can have just by hearing it.

I told Ate that I was scared to feel good about how things are going because I know that in the blink of an eye, things will just return to the same old, same hard times, or maybe get worse. But she brought up a good point; it's going to happen eventually, so I might as well embrace it& ride with it while it lasts.

So here I go again, taking that leap.

will we ever

work things out?

If you love me, let me know.
If you don't, then let me go.