I can honestly say I have never been this confused about these type of things in my life. I feel like I keep swinging my decisions based on what I'm feeling at the moment, but I know I need to start thinking about what's better in the longrun, for once. It's so confusing I really don't even know what I'm feeling at all. I just wana keep my heart protected again, &be the old independent me, not giving a FUCK about whether a boy gives a shit or not. Why is it that the other end is always willing to change right when I'm really, truly ready to just give it up. It's like I have to go through this agonizing tortuous test just to see if I can stick around through all the bullshit,& I do, but then comes the moment where I just can't hang anymore, &that's the moment the other end finally wants to change, for real. I can't seem to understand ..why. Why do people have to wait for the moment something's finally gone, to finally realize what they had?
I just don't know about anything anymore. My heart's been tossed around so many times these past years. It just keeps building up, all the hurt& pain. Every time I meet someone new I think I'm ready to let everything in my past go. But then it just happens all over again. &It just adds on. &I end up with a bigger wall to break. A heavier guard to let down.
I'm scared to feel that way again. To be absolutely "happy". To trust someone else to take care of me. I wana ride with it but how many times have I said that? ..Only to wound up with just another scar to add to my collection. &How many times after that have I told myself how stupid I was for holding on? I can't even remember the last time I cried; I think there's really no more tears to cry.
Whatever decision I make, someone's gonna get hurt. This time I wana think of me first though. For once I just wanna be selfish. Too many times have I been selfless to spare others' feelings. & Look at where I'm at now. ..so broken. I let too many things fly when I shouldn't have. &I never wanna make that mistake again. I wanna be happy. I want something concrete. Something to hold onto. I want someone who will keep going long after I say stop. So I can know for sure it's worth it.
I'm not sad. I'm just carrying such a heavy heart.
&Yet, it still feels so, so very empty.
<3 AWWEE. I TOLD YOU HED COME CRAWLING BACK. LOL. DERICK DOESN'T CHANGE UNTIL IM REALLY DONE WITH HIS SHIT TOO. PEOPLE DONT APPRECIATE WHAT THEY HAVE SERIOUSLY UNTIL ITS TOO LATE. ILOVEUGIRL! GET AT ME IF U NEED ANYTHING! <3
ReplyDeletelol thanks. i think u should let the bitch suffer a little. thats what i do lol. just so they really learn their lesson. but i mean you really seem to love him, so if hes willing to change and ACTUALLY REALLY CHANGE, then i think its worth another shot. but make him suffer first so he doesnt think he can keep doin thiis shit. plus i love double dating with you guys! lol u guys were cute together. so idk thats what i think. i support either way tho girl.
ReplyDelete