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rolemodel.

You're supposed to be my rolemodel. But I can honestly say the biggest way you contribute to influencing my life in a good way is through your mistakes.

I know you know better.

- - - - -

I don't know why, this bliss goes as quick as it comes. My lowest are always as low as my highest highs. I wish I was stronger as people make me out to be. But this is the reality: I'm not. I can't find myself anymore. Where's the girl who lost herself in dancing? The girl who would swerve into other lanes because the sky seemed to beam a brilliant brighter blue? ..Who woke up with a smile because she was thankful to have another day? Where's the girl who danced to the music made by the rhythm of life? The one who felt she was lucky to be given a life so .. great? Where's the girl who made an adventure out of going to the grocery store? Because I can't find her.

Lorenze told me he loves my optimistic mindset& that I give the best advice. So tell me, how am I supposed to be strong for the ones close to me, when I can't even be strong for myself?

I want to give up, already.

Save me. I'm really in need of You. ♥

can not.

I try, but I just can't seem to fight it.

it's official:

I'm crazy.



Time. I never have enough of it. Yet I don't want any more of it either. So ironic.

falling.

I wonder if you know how much your words keep breaking me down. I'm trying to hold myself up so I don't fall again, into that place I hate so much, the one that consists of smiles that aren't natural& shutting the world out.

I want to be happy. &For once I wana surround myself w/ people who love me, & don't make me feel like shit all the time.

I just wana move out already.

'tis nice to be appreciated.

like an awesome pawsome. ♥

- - - - -
Mnd 360: I'm worried
Mnd 360: if I can
Mnd 360: fit boxing and school
Mnd 360: at the same time you know?
Mnd 360: that's why you're my inspiration
Mnd 360: you fit like
Mnd 360: a bajillion things
Mnd 360: into your life
Mnd 360: somehow
Mnd 360: Everytime I think I'm exhausted
Mnd 360: I'll just think of you
Mnd 360: hahaha
Mnd 360: cuz that's how you've always been
Mnd 360: ever since i met you
Mnd 360: you've always had a lot of stuff to do
Mnd 360: a lot of responsibilities you know?


Attitudes are contagious. Let's change the world. [:

the rant you'll never read.

You, are a fucking asshole. I don't understand why you spend so much time trying to tell other people what their faults are when you need to fix yourself. I swear, sometimes, I think you have absolutely no heart. The only time you can be nice is when you want something. You don't have a single right to tell him* that he*'s hiding behind his* mom. Look at your ass. Using YOUR OWN damn mother at her expense. Blaming others for things that happen naturally& biologically. Making "home" feel like a fcking prison. GROW THE FUCK UP. How old are you?! ..& You still feel a need to chismis about other people's problems. I honestly feel sorry for the people close to you, the people who "look up" to you. ..You don't have the right to say he* lies. Stop trying to blame the shit you do on other people. .. Have you ever taken a good look at yourself& the filthy shit that comes out of your mouth? Every scheme, every lie, every exaggeration to make people believe your shit. Do us all a favor: get your own life together& stop trying to ruin everyone else's.

You can't bring us down. We're never gona stoop to your level. You can try to brainwash everyone is this damn house but I swear, in the end you're still by yourself. You're the only one who's fucked up at heart.


..
&You spread shit that I'm never home 'cos I'm "up to no good w/ another boy" or "always out," when you have no idea how hard I'm tryna get my life straight along w/ everyone else's I care about just so we don't end up like you. I don't argue w/ you not 'cos I'm scared, but because you're not worth it at all. I can take the snude remarks, but fuck w/ the people close to me & I'll tell you something different.

Want the reason I'm never home? Take a good look in the mirror.

Eff you& eff off.

watch me.

"Anyone can give up. It's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart? That's true strength."

Sometimes I feel like I'm carrying my own weight. But God places the heaviest burdens on those who can handle the weight.

The past couple of weeks I've felt like I've been slowly falling apart. I've been yearning for anyone to just pick me back up. But I understand everyone has their own shit to take care of. I wana be strong enough, to hold myself together; Strong enough to hold my patience when others can't. Strong enough to not feel that electric shock that runs through my every limb when something bothers me .. Strong enough to not even get bothered in the first place. Strong enough to not give up. Strong enough to believe in myself because others can't. Strong enough to only need myself. Strong enough to keep going. &Strong enough to love myself the way I want to be loved by another.

please,

help me.

mixed concoction.

Okay, break from school and everything else going on in my life, for a split second please.

I think six months of not having a crammed schedule like I'm used to slowed me down a little. The past few weeks have been a winding rollercoaster: ultimately high on this wonderful life I have been blessed with, then give me a couple of hours& I'll feel like breaking down into tears. I cried twice last week. So ridiculous. &The sad part is I actually stop myself each time after like, two minutes. 'Cos I feel weak for crying. ..Who does that?, lol. Sometimes I think I'm a hysterical nutcase.

I can't even post a decent blog cos I don't even know what to say.
I'm just stressed, phew.

Tomorrow please come faster. I need this roadtrip.

Okay, time in. Game time. ♥