first place never felt so good.

July 26, 2009*

+ V.ENT won first place@ Delano's The Showdown II.

+ We won first place in each other's hearts. ♥

Life has never felt this amazing. Things are lookin' up. & It feels so good to just have someone by me through the tough shit. It makes the tough times feel like nothing. (:

- - - - -

It makes me laugh sometimes when I hear the things you tell people. You know it's not true, &I know it's definitely not true. So why even spread it around? & You ask me countless times why I had to leave. Stop being in denial for once &face the wrongs you've done.

I'm not gonna be sorry for the things I didn't do. Took me a long time to learn that.

K THANKS. ♥ (:

fuck the world.

No one knows what I went through. Not even he realizes the shit he put me through. No one but myself.

So fuck them, & the baggage. (: I didn't listen to anyone the countless times I was told to stop. & I'm not gonna listen to anyone tell me when's the right time to start.

I'm ready. Yes, I'm ready. ♥

SEKS all day.

I don't even know what I did this week becos it went by so fast.

+ AFTERNOON W/ TWIN Finally opened up to her about the sh_t I've been going through. Felt so good to finally let her in♥.

+ DINNER W/ HIS FAMILY Lovely. I miss having a meal at a table, where everyone prays together. Where you don't needa rush to avoid the drama. I think I just miss "family," in general. 'Twas nice.

+ SEKS DAY Because you always need to have at least a few good girls in your life. It's the only all-girl group I have. &I treasure days like these to the max cos I can just, be a girl, for once? haha! Today was really a trip♥.

Got off work super-late today so I didn't get to make it to practice, or Anh's thing. LAME. Oh well, I need a new job too Monica. [;

BLEH, so beat I don't even have the energy to go to Ivan's either. -.- happy 19th, Ivan! I swear work is such a drain of energy sometimes. & I don't even do much when I think about it.

- - - - -
Did some cleaning out this week too. Throwing away old baggage. 'Cos big brother told me to. (: Whenever I used to watch Room Raiders I'd always wonder why people would get upset when they saw "memory boxes" of stuff from old lovers in their rooms. But I think I get it kine now. Why bother keeping stuff when the whole point is to move on? I'm not even close to throwing everything away. I only reached my desk, & I already threw away like seven things. haha. I thought it'd hurt seeing stuff, having to pass by old memories. But honestly, I don't know why but some things are just a blur. It's as if I fell for a completely different person than the one I let go. Oh well.

- - - - -
Wow! Watching old D&D dvds w/ SEKS really made me realize how much I've grown as a dancer the past two years. That shit was so nasty I couldn't even watch myself. haha. Don't get me wrong, I'm still proud& thankful to have had the opportunity to do choreo for all that. But, WOW. haha. "Get rid of the evidence!" haha c[:

- - - - -
&This shit bugs. I seriously needa fight it.

I think this was the most normal post I've ever done. haha. (:

a weekend well worth the wait.

So, after a week full of confusing thoughts, people who can't leave the past behind, another death to an automobile [Lei♥7109] , annoying ass relatives, working my ass off w/ two doubles this week, deadlines for my online classes, getting less sleep, nights of persistent crying, & everything else in-between .. I can FINALLY put a genuine smile on my face.

_Beach w/ QT! / MJCK♥square + bffElaine_ Playing in the water. ..seriously haven't done that in the longest. Long bff talks. Failed jumping pictures. Rolled up shorts. "Live a little!♥" Chases. Splash fights. Wet sand all over myself. [ Kuya! ]:< ] Racing & anemic Me do NOT mix. Saying hello to lifeguards. Unique ukelele songs. [; Lying on the best pillow. [; Stories about everything& anything. THE SUN SETTING. !! ..beautiful♥. "Cartwheels". etc etc.

_& Then some._ QT! time. [: Amazing Pools. 21 Sexiest Beaches. ..VENICE?! haha. Staying up 'till the sun rose, talking on& on, being held like that. [= Waking up to him& having a quickie breakfast. Yes, suh'.

How is it that we only got four hours of sleep last night, yet I feel like that's the BEST sleep I've gotten all week?

- - - - -
I'm not used to this at all. Not used to being thanked just for visiting. Or being called sweet. Being called a woman. Used to a simple "you too" in response to my morning texts, not a full on phone call to start off my day. Used to being held down when it came to wanting to have fun, not used to the freedom. Or the fact that he wants me to actually ..have fun?, even if it's not w/ him. [= Not used to someone actually listening to me, knowing me so well to have my schedule down. Knowing my daily routines. Not used to someone apologizing for the tiniest things, & knowing the bad habits to change, without having to be asked to. Or even knowing something's wrong, even without a word being said. Not used to having someone not want me to leave. Or someone there to applaud "good qualities" I didn't even notice I had. Not used to someone calling me amazing, beautiful, & everything else in the middle. I'm used to hearing "hott& sexy" only in reference to models, actresses, & other girls like MILEY CYRUS. hahaha! But never me. Always used to the attention being on every other chick but myself. Like the huge blow-ups of everyone else on the wall compared to the wallet size stump of my senior portrait. Used to waiting for phone calls, sometimes some that never even make it. Not used to having someone leave their room JUST to talk to me for hours on the phone before we sleep. Not used to having someone respect me like this. Not used to someone telling me "I'll wait." Not used to someone fighting, to be with me. So used to being pushed away. & Not at all used to having someone miss me, the moment I leave.

He likes listening to me talk, even when I get so carried away that I don't know how to stop. He likes me interrupting. He thinks it's cute when I'm embarrassed, & doesn't take it as on offensive thing. He doesn't say ".. why are you looking at me that way." when I look directly into his eyes becos he ..likes it. &He likes my eyes. My average, asian brown eyes. & I know this because he said so himself. (: & I'm not "weird" to him. He says I'm unique. & Different in a good way, for once. He likes how I introduce him to so many new things, & I feel exactly the same way. This is just the start; he still owes me "14, 996 hugs, upgradable at any time." He thinks I'm "amazing," though I don't know why. What I do know is that he makes me feel like I am "amazing." He likes a lot of me. & He likes how he can tell me what he doesn't like about me, & just the fact that we can talk about anything. We're always gonna talk it out, 'cos that's the thing to do. & He likes that.

He likes me. & I like him. ♥

A text today said "sorry" for messing up my night/weekend again. But honestly, I feel so strong, that it didn't--COULDN'T--break down what I'm feeling at all. He makes me strong. He makes me feel like I can face anything. Even though it's hard, I've never wanted to trust someone this much. I feel so safe w/ him. So taken care of, yet independent at the same exact time. I feel so appreciated. So whole again.

I was confused, hurt, & scared.But now I know it's a fact. No longer a "crush". No longer something I'm unsure of. Baby steps; we'll get there. We'll get through whatever. & Even if it fails, & we don't make it to where we want, I'm not scared to at least give it a try. How did He know? How did God know to send me an angel the moment I broke?

'So cool.' & Just a bit amazing, for now. [:

just when I thought

I had no more feelings to spare,
you've managed to squeeze the last tears out of me.

You should really consider it your talent. Because you're so good at it.

Thanks for pushing my buttons enough for me to erupt, & leaving me to crumble. And you wonder why in the world I left. Blaming everything but your ownself. Take a good look in the mirror.

So now that I'm gone, can you ask yourself, was it worth it?

- - - - -
Here's to another night. ]';

tick-tock, round the clock.

because this post is about time& nothing more.

I fell asleep at 2AM feeling crappy. Woke up at 4AM feeling crappy. Argued w/ someone for two fuckin' hours making me feel even more shitty. Cried. Fell asleep at 7AM. & Woke up still feeling like crap at 8:30.

I'm going too fast, way too fast. Not us, just me. I promised myself I wouldn't care for someone the way I did w/ all the others for awhile. Because no one was gonna be worth my effort.

& Then I met you& you're worth everything. I wanna care again.

But at the same time I don't want to.

"Time to heal babygirl."

"If you wanna be my boyfriend, you gotta be like, Superboyfriend."

"Okay."

Too good to be true. I need to slow down. Just me.

You never miss the water 'till the well runs dry.

Can someone please tell me how you still have the power to make me cry, even when it's OVER. Even when I'm completely done?

"I'm sad& don't know why."
"Umm. Sorry?"

What kind of friend says something as shitty as that?

&I absolutely cannot believe you have the nerve to say I didn't love you that much. So after everything I've ever done. After I stuck around for so long, dealing w/ every little thing thrown at me. Keeping the hurt low-key. Just to show the world I was strong. To show everyone you were a good guy. Just to make you happy. After being patient w/ you, because I knew how much you yourself have been hurt by her. After holding you close when your world fell apart because of YOUR own mistakes, even though you couldn't do the same w/ me when things were fucked up. After giving up the majority of my friends. After dealing w/ your psycho ex when she spread countless rumors about me. Being regulated. Being okay with your hypocrisy. Tip-toeing around you so as to not push your buttons. Giving when I had nothing else to give. All those nights I cried over your ass. When all you could do is yell at me to stop. Everything& anything you did, I took.

Love is giving someone the potential to break you, trusting them not to.

&That's what I did. Every day. It kept building up& ironically, so did my trust in you. So don't tell me I didn't "that much". Because once upon a time I did. Strongly. Deeply. So much that I didn't care how much it hurt. So much that I stood up for you to every person that really did care about me enough to tell me it wasn't healthy.

& I forgave you. No questions asked.

& I appreciate that you "tried". But this time it just wasn't enough.

- - - - -
Time heals everything. & God sends miracles when the time is right. To help along the way. For a long time I thought everything was my fault. But I'm so much stronger now. &I'm not gonna pass something up that makes me happy. I forgot what it felt like to get a simple phone call to start off my day with my smile. Or what it felt like to have someone miss me the second I leave. It's just the beginning, but it's never felt so right.

After everything we've been through together, I promised to still stick by you as a friend. I've never asked anything of you throughout the time we were together. &Now I'm asking you for one favor--to just be happy for me.

We were strong for a moment in time. I'm sure both of us will learn from the whole experience altogether. Just know you were never replaced. No one can take away what we had. Memories are a forever thing. &Even though they weren't as common, the happy times were treasured way more than the tough ones.

I was strong for you,
now it's your turn. ♥

lovesquare& Happy Birthday Mommacakes!

Saturday 7119 Work Getty Center x33 w/ our Lovesquare*; Conversations w/ parking ladies. Trams that take us only higher. Beautiful views. Cactus in t/ middle of nowhere. Sculptures. Paintings. Tourist or not? [; Flowers so beautiful they're blinding. Secret dancing couple. BevHills& Downtown buildings. Being called "sweet" for once. Beautiful things& beautiful people to see them with. Granada Hills; Attempt to watch Push. More family-meeting. x3 Falling asleep, again, in the arms. Good music. A little fast-forward, but still worth the moment. (:

Sunday 7129 HAPPY 49TH BIRTHDAY TO THE BEST MOM EVER.; ..Early birthday singing@ home w/ Cookie Cake. Having to redo it three times FAST b/c my torch lighter was too strong. "Come here often? (;" - "I almost feel like part of the family." Endless laughter. Great moments x33 Bubbagump; Mom's "sweet-16" dance. 60-60-40. Really asking the waiter for the bathroom. Forrest Gump trivia. Alchie. 3rd Street Promenade; Bathing suit for $10. Endless search for a bathroom. Hip-hop performers& other .. "interesting" performers. KIT, SON! "Good luck in the bathroom!" Weird gelato flavors. Art in the Apple store. Moving the chalk. Not even waking up a single second during San Pedro. Bboy Footwerkz. Etc etc. ♥

- - - - -

I honestly do love my family, minus a couple. Unique, just how I like it. Broken, yet together somehow. I swear we have the most low-key problems but somehow in the end we manage to pull it together.

- - - - -
I have no idea what's going on w/ me. Wish I could just be carefree but somehow my mind always gets the best of me. Well now more than ever, 'cos of everything.

I think the reason I'm like this is 'cos I don't wanna make it seem as if I'm still scared.

Oh, but I am.

- - - - -

I wish you'd stop telling me things I don't wanna hear anymore. What good does it do when it's already over& done with? I poured everything out to you for so long, gave so many chances, & only now do you show you care. It seriously stresses me out. &Confuses me.

EXHAUSTED. Please just stop.

- - - - -

All in all, I'm loving life.

To the fullest. [=

okay.

because you're the only one who's ever "fought for me".

- - - - -

I guess the only way to ever really heal, is to actually let yourself.

It's not gonna come naturally. & You have to learn to trust again, & take risks. & Just believe, but it's the only way.

You're the only one who's ever understood me, & been patient w/ me. The only one who I've ever heard the words "don't leave me" from.

How is it that someone w/ as much as two years of history can tell me to let go, yet someone w/ as a little as a week of history can tell me to stay?

& That's why I'll try.

the mean reds.

Holly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?

Paul: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?

Holly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat& maybe it's been raining too long. You're just sad for no reason, that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid& you don't know just what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

Scene from Breakfast@ Tiffany's
^ one of my favorite movies, mind you! [;

- - - - -

The second I think to myself how wonderful it is, I hold back& put my defenses up. I'm so scared, & I don't even know why or of what.

&I absolutely hate that you did this to me.

Out of everything I've been through, the thing that really sucks the most is the change the whole experience altogether placed on me. Memories, you can forget, or somehow let go of over time. But change takes as much effort to reverse as it did to get that way in the first place.

I know I can somehow get my old self back, but it's gonna take a lot of work& a lot of time.

hello, summer.

Mhm.

Last night was fun;

Coffee run in the middle of the night. Late night driving in t/ Decepticon. [; Yelling from car to car because people can't pick up their PHONES. "PICK UP YOUR PHONE!!!" Staring@ Jack's menu eternally only to end up w/ a fruitcup. ]; Sitting improperly in the car. Ripsticking, skateboarding, biking, &pogoing in the middle of the street. Trying to find the moon w/ a wobbly telescope. Finding the moon w/ t/ wobbly telescope, craters& all, clouds passing by. Telling scary stories. Just watching t/ moonlight. Being held. Googling t/ whys& how comes of this weird ass world. FML. MLIA. & MLIG. -- dot com. [; Last hugs that end too quick. [: &Going home@ 3AM, to find no one else on the road except myself, w/ a huge smile on my face. (:

Simple, yet so good.

Hyperactive. Nonstop laughter. Driving w/ the windows down, good music up. Rekindling old, & I mean superold friendships. Good talks about everything. Letting loose. Dancing. Stories told& stories made. & Good company. (:

It's not so much about t/ things we do, but the people we do them with.

It's just begun.

God, God, & more God.

I think it's pretty sad that a lot of the time, we only go to God when we're in desperate need of someone to be there. & The beauty of it is: He's always there for us, patient, &always waiting.

I feel really bad that I've been neglecting Him because of work& everything else that's interferring in life, but I swear, I always feel uber refreshed when I step outside of mass.

Three things that got me pretty damn deep:

You brood of vipers, how can you, being evil, speak what is good? For the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart. The good man brings out of his good treasure what is good; and the evil man brings out of his evil treasure what is evil. But I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.

: Matthew 12:34

Someone once told me as an excuse, that "words are words until an action takes place". Today I really did learn that we say things that we regret later on, & then we make excuses for why we said things, like "I was talking out of my ass," or "It was my anger talking," or, my favorite -- "I just wasn't thinking." But you know what, all those excuses are not things that make the things we say justifiable. They're only exactly what they are--EXCUSES. I realized that everything we say does come from our heart, "that place eighteen inches from our mind". & What we say makes who we are. Period.

So watch what you say. A person might forget the things you said over time, but they will never forget the way you made them feel.

Bad company corrupts good character.

: Phil, the Preacher

Why did I stick around for too long even when I knew how bad it was? I honestly don't know. Because now I have to pay for it, trying to rebuild myself, my self-esteem, my faith, everything. & Only now am I seeing everything. But I'm so glad that I did.

We're holy when we don't want to love a person anymore, but find that we still do. Or when we can't find it in our hearts to forgive a person anymore, but we do anyways.

: Phil, the Preacher

& That alone is self-explanatory. Story of my life.

- - - - -

This weekend, I've got to say, was by-far one of the best I've had in a long while.

+ Movies w/ just the sibs.

+ Rooftop watching fireworks with amazing people.

+ Being taken to church again.

+ Lambchops, make-shift brownies, & vanilla ice-cream.

= (:

I'm starting to heal. It'll take awhile, but it's a start.

I'll be okay. <3

shit's ridiculous.

"If someone's stupid enough to walk away, be smart enough to let them go."

I keep trying to hold on to the person I once knew in you, but all these lies just keep building up, & I think I've finally lost my trust for you. Hurts too much.

Too many disappointments.
Time to let go.

goodbye, my lover.

" Even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile 'cos I deserve to. "

Letting go of all the hurt. It's gonna take awhile, but at least I know I'm moving forward. I think I finally found the strength in me I knew I had all along, &I feel like I have to start from scratch all over again, rebuilding myself from what's been broken. But at least I'm on the way to healing rather than being stuck in the same ditch, digging myself a deeper hole.

I don't think I've ever been hurt this much, but I swear on anything that this was one of the biggest lessons I've ever learned.

&I find it truly amazing how certain people can make me feel so strong when I'm at my weakest, without even knowing it. I'm forever grateful. Couldn't have picked up all by myself.

<3>