life and love, in a nutshell.

Sit tight. This one's really long.
Just stuff I've learned/realized this past weekend about life& love. [:

But first, recap:

FR!DAY / Work. Bbq @ Butch's friend's house. Left pretty early back to his casa. x3 Honestly, we haven't had a night like that in a long time. Nights where I'm like, damn, I'm in love with this guy. Nights when I remember how it felt to fall in love with him. Moments like those are self-explanatory reasons of why I stay.

SATURDAY / Man, I don't even remember what I did before work, haha. Work. Kuya Jnil's house for a bbq. Haha aw I x3 Chloe, so cute. Francis dropped by to follow me cos I wathens so damn tired! MAN, I freaking love Barkada x3. If I could choose a group of friends who never fail to make me smile, it'd be them. Fcking cupcake fights. Watching only the scary parts of The Grudge. Pyramid fails. Francis: "You guys ready? [;" haha, they are my freaking family. fcking blessed to have them. <333

SUNDAY / Was wayy too tired to go to church. Watched the game with fambam. WOOHOO GET IT LAAAA x33 Stopped by little sister's to grab something. SHARA! I love those girls. They best be part of my summer, a biiig part. Work. Then V.ENT ! YES. I finally came back after what, a month? I missed them so much. &I came on a really good day. we got to choreo short routines. YAY VENTAGON! Haha, hopefully I'll post our video later. [: Denny's goodbye dinner for Henry. ): Don't worry, it ain't goodbye cos we're adding 'for now'. (:

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So I don't know exactly when it happened this weekend, but I really changed my outlook on things. I think the problem was I cared too much& I made it my world. I kept placing boys above everything else in my life, especially myself--the real person who should come first. &Maybe that's why I get hurt so bad with every relationship. How could a guy give every other girl every ounce of effort he has even if they don't treat him well, then hold back when he finally comes across someone who would give up everything just to make him happy? I have sacrificed, turned the other cheek, and dealt with the most phenomenal things for them all. I've forgiven, forgiven, forgiven things that would make regular girls leave bitterly. I've given too many chances. I've stayed even when it was way past our breaking points .. for every single one of them. &The only time any of them ever appreciated me were the moments I finally decided to give up, for good. Why is it that the moment people feel they're starting to lose something is the moment it suddenly becomes the most important thing in their life? So tired of being appreciated only when I'm gone. I don't need this. I'm too young to stick around boys who can't seem to grow up. Boys who can't get anything in their life together, including relationships. I hate guys who try so hard to get me to put my guard down, &the moment I do, &fall, they stop trying because I'm finally theirs. Yea, having game takes effort, but making a relationship work takes a lot more. Don't get me wrong; I still care, but at the same time, I just don't anymore. It's just not worth it anymore. I'm tired of being second. I'm tired of waiting for calls that they forget to make. Tired of being stood up. Tired of rearranging my schedule just for people who won't do the same. I want someone who cares just as strongly as I do. &When I say that, I mean show it too.

I'm so tired of making exceptions. When you LOVE someone, you do anything in your power to take care of them, &make sure they have the best. To make sure that above all, they're happy. That's why sometimes people let go the ones they love even though it hurts. That's why some girls change their wardrobe. That's why some people stay in abusive relationships--mentally and/or physically. Why love is blind, & confusing. I mean, don't get me wrong, love causes good things to happen too, like how some relationships push people to want to do better& get their life together. I know shit like Beauty& the Beast isn't exactly true, but the moral of it is reality. People can change, no matter what anyone says. But if you find someone who's not willing to, it's just not worth it. It's BULLSHIT when people say they can't support something you love, or learn to love people that are important in your life because "that's not them". It's BULLSHIT when a person takes a proposal for change up the ass, & turns it into a fight, or just plain anger. Or, my favorite: when a person wants to leave because they don't believe they can be "good enough for you". PLAIN BS. If it's real, you'll make sure damn well you're good enough for someone you love. Cos if they can't do that much, honey, he just ain't that into you.

" If I were a boy, I think I could understand how it feels to love a girl. I swear I'd be a better man. "

I'm not really putting my guard back up. I'm just taking a step back. I used to consider commitment a big responsibility to take on, something you have to give your all to. But I've come to think of it as more of a BONUS. I've already given all that I can. It's their choice to take that shit, or leave it at the table. I've wanted to last a long time with every boyfriend I've had. Maybe that's why all I've ever had were serious relationships. But you know what, maybe that's how it's supposed to be. Maybe you're supposed to meet a lot of Mr. Wrongs before you bump into the RIGHT one. So that when that happens, you'll just know it's right. I think that what I want at this point is just effort, effort all around. Not just with a relationship, but with their own life too. &I think what I want the most is the one who will keep trying long after I say stop, long after it's over& done. So, can you hang?

If you feel me, give me an AMEN. [: